How to Build Unshakeable Confidence: | Tara Hamilton Howard

Separating your Roles in Life from your Self-Identity.

Does working for yourself sound scary?  Are you too scared to leave the security of the corporate world despite the grind of it all?  Or are you finding it hard to find a job at “a certain age?”

I know I was terrified when I first made the step – in my forties – from being employed to working for myself.  I wasn’t confident that I was good enough and the self-doubt kept creeping in; “What if I don’t know how?”  “What if I fail?”  What if…what if…

What if you never tried? It’s the things in life that we didn’t do, that we regret.

In this blog, I’m going to share with you how to build unshakable confidence and identify some of the roles we take on in life that may be stifling your growth and holding you back from living a more liberating and fulfilling life!

My Journey…How I came to realize that the roles in my life did not define who I was

Before we dive right in, I wanted to share some of my story with you; how it helped me to build my confidence, and ultimately contribute to my success.

I had been working in the family business of hotels as Managing Director for over 20 years.  I’d taken it from 2 wedding bookings a year, to over 100 and 10x the turnover in the process.   I loved and cherished the business like it was my own baby.  It was part of me, and I was part of it.   When family politics made me painfully aware that it was not my business and not my baby, I asked myself lots of questions.

The biggest question was…what  am I without my role in the business?

I didn’t think I was anything without it.  I didn’t think I had anything else to offer the world and I was devastated.  You see, whatever business you’re working in, even in a family business, despite how successful you are, your future is not certain.

Fortunately for me, I had created a side-hustle prior to all this happening.  It began when I was nominated for the Dorset Business Awards for my achievements as the Managing Director of the Hotels, however, I did not win.   It was all men who won the awards that night and that made me think – what’s out there for women like me?

I was running a business full-time, AND being a mom, bringing up four kids. So, I really had empathy for hard-working women in business.  And that is when I came up with the idea of celebrating the achievements of women, like you and me.

Looking back, it was only when I was forcibly freed from the strains of working for someone else that I realised I had been carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. Even then, it wasn’t easy to make that emotional step to go all-in, on my own, and turn my side-hustle into a business. I remember thinking at the time, it might be safer and more secure to get back on the hamster wheel, and back into the work force.

At the time, I was so attached to my role in the hotel business and without it, I felt somewhat of a failure.  It was only when, with help, I was able to see that I was more than my roles in life and that the roles in my life did not define who I was as a person.  That was when I was able to really flourish, and that is when my purpose in life unfolded.

Separating Your Roles from Your Self-Identity

The first steps towards unshakable confidence is to separate your roles in life from your self-identity.  WHY? Well something I discovered, through talking with the thousands of Entrepreneurial Women in my network over the last 10 years, is that people who can separate their self-identity from their roles in life flourish.

What is a Role?

A role is a part you play in your everyday life. It can be broken down into two different parts:

  1. Job Title – for example: Manage
  2. Sub Roles – may include: counsellor, project manager, leader etc.

You can range from 100% effective to totally rubbish at a role. You can easily measure your success in each of your roles.

What we need to do next is to understand self-identity, and how that should never be affected by the ups and downs of your roles in life.

What is Self-Identity?

Our self-identity is the collection of convictions we have about ourselves.  It’s actually a little harder to measure. It essentially answers the question: Who am I?

You see, THE ROLES YOU PLAY and WHO YOU ARE, are two very different things, though often we end up mixing them up with our language. Here’s an example, when we say I AM a teacher instead of I teach then we have instantly connected our roles to who we are as a person.  If we fail at our roles, then it easily chips away at our self-belief and most importantly chips away at our confidence.

Self-Assessment Time

Take a moment to think about your major role in life and its sub-roles.  How would you be graded in those roles, according to schoolroom terms: A, B, C, D FAIL

You can see, a role is something that can be measured very easily based on your performance in the eyes of yourself and others.

Now let’s do the same thing for  self-identity, only this time, we need to score it differently.  To evaluate what you think your self-belief is, we can score ourselves out of 10, with 10 being ‘I am an amazing, worthwhile, powerful, incredible living thing,’ and 1 being ‘I am not special,
wonderful, unique or even worth it’.

Of course, it’s best to take the proper Self Adore Success Test at the end of this blog, but for now…I want you to close your eyes and come up with your score?

How do you think you score as a person?  Remember this number, write it down, and I want you to compare it to the Self Adore Success Score you take after you’ve finished reading…

This Just About Sums It Up

When you embrace the concept that your roles do not define you, the fear of failure is no longer a limiting factor. You have the confidence then, to step outside your comfort zone, take risks because you now know that what YOU DO does not affect WHO YOU ARE.   Believing a part of you is a failure because you didn’t do so well in your role, is simply a damaging belief and a real confidence buster.

You can, with help, learn how to take the I AM out of what you do and that is when you will truly flourish get back to being the perfect, wonderful, amazing, human being that came into this world a few decades ago.

One of our roles or experiences in life may very well become our superpower, we just need to harness it and let it work for us and certainly don’t let it define us.

Hopefully, you can see now that your self-identity is your sense of self.   By separating your roles in life from your self-identity you are now able to brush off setbacks, chalk them up to learning experiences, and move forward with unbreakable confidence.

What's holding you back right now? Lack of confidence, lack of self-belief or you want to re-invent yourself and don't know where to start?

Take the free Self Adore Success Scale Assessment to get advice for where and how you can grow and change in order to start getting what you want.

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